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I’m so confused…


Tonight I made my first rotisserie chicken on this ancient electric rotisserie I found in my husband’s garage when I moved in.  It was in an old plastic trash bag on the shelf near the meat slicer.   I took it down, gave it a good clean up and when I exhausted my search online for a manual (yes, it is that old), I tested it and it still worked.

So, I mixed some spices together for a dry rub, trussed a small chicken (it was just the two of us for dinner) and set it to rotisserie-ing.  I made some stuffing and corn for sides and chicken stock spiced up and thickened with some powdered potatoes for gravy.   My husband was extremely complimentary of the meal.  He knows my need for validation and humors me (very well).

Now, I know chicken and turkey do something with tryptophan and that in turn affects serotonin.   As I was cleaning up the dishes and putting away the leftovers, I felt a rush of sorts.  A warmth in my belly.   Normally this is a very good feeling, I’m sure you would agree.  But suddenly I had tears in my eyes and started fretting over whether or not I’m a good wife…do I do enough…is he happy with me…and the thoughts overwhelmed me.   These stupid thoughts, stupid, stupid feelings of insecurity and low self-worth, as usual, all happens in a few seconds…there is no time to regroup before it consumes me.  I don’t know what to do about them.  I have to blog about it because anyone I actually tell this to has the same response – don’t.  I thought the serotonin release makes your relaxed and “happy”.  Is it because I take the medication now?  It truly caught me off guard tonight.  That is all.

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