In my world, stress = pain. In my world, stress doesn’t seem to exist. At least in the frustrated ugh kinda way. This is my cerebrum malfunction. One of them anyway.
I follow and read quite a few blogs written by fellow sufferers and although I hate that others go through this, I take comfort in knowing I am not alone.
I saw my doctor (she’s not really a doctor, she’s a PA) two weeks ago to discuss my medication and such. I was prepared with some questions. If anyone has read previous blogs, you may recall I desperately resisted medication. I no longer feel that way. The lexapro works very well and I am maintaining on a low dose. But…(isn’t there always a ‘but’), I noticed that there are still times when the pain become unbearable. I can hardly stand or walk. I cannot hold a pen in my hand. But I’ve had “all the tests”, this pain is “in my head”. Real, but not. Nothing physical causes it.
I had an incidence of this pain in August. It was the worst it had been since on the medication. I was beating myself up…what could have me so depressed? So depressed I couldn’t even go up and down the stairs in my home without tears. I have literally nothing…not a damn thing…to be depressed about. I am blessed with healthy, intelligent, beautiful children; a loving soulmate; beautiful grandsons; good health (realitvely speaking); a good job that I enjoy. My oldest daughter has an excellent way of putting things into perspective and I got over my WTF pity party and prepared the questions for my doctor.
It all made sense to me. My body is having a delayed reaction to stress. In July, I quit my job, went to AZ to help my daughter and SOMH welcome their second child, and move to a two bedroom apartment. I came home and started a new job. Two weeks later…excruciating pain. I believe that I am not depressed but rather the receptors in my brain are depressed. The cortisol hormone that is released when stressed isn’t being absorbed/processed by the depressed receptors in my brain. Hence the delayed reaction.
My daughter, her husband and her two children (age 1 yr. 8 mo. and 3 mo.) visited for a week. My dad drove in from Illinois. We had a houseful. I had my children here to cook for. I had my grandsons here to cuddle with, play with and have water play with. I had my dad here to meet his great-grandchildren for the first time. But this was all an upheavals in my routine…stress. I was bracing myself for the inevitable pain. Knowing this was on the horizon, I arranged to see the doctor right before they leave. My intention was to share my delayed dealing with cortisol epiphany with her and get her blessing to increase my meds for two weeks until that excess crap was absorbed.
Not only did she debunk that theory, she asked me when I wanted to wean off the meds. 😳. She is certainly against me increasing since I have one side effect. Restless legs.
I can’t be normal and actually feel stress. No, I have to wait until my conscious brain sleeps and the subconscious takes over. Then that “stress” decides to tense my entire body up. I clench my jaw. (I know this because surgery I had years ago has left me without 80% of my parotid gland, so I often wake with my jaw locked.)
She sent me home with low dose of cyclobenzaprine which I have to take nightly. It’s supposed to help with tenseness at night, and may ease the restless legs. (Not so far 😔)
I am to lose weight. No more carbs. Effective immediately. (Tiramisu doesn’t have carbs, right?)
I am to accept the fact that I am NOT 25 anymore and that my body can’t do the things I used to do. This was the knife in my back, because I was doing those things…in February…of THIS year.
Its possibly the beginning of osteoarthritis. I am to try Osteo-BioFlex for three months.
And stress happens. It cannot be avoided. Even GOOD STRESS is stress.