Does anyone else go through this?
This vicious circle.
I’m trying too hard. Trying to stop it before it happens.
It’s never obvious to me that it is “simply” an anxiety attack.
This time it was nausea over the weekend. Then, yesterday, I had what can only be described as an adrenaline rush. The trigger…our new puppy peed on the floor. Did I bend over to clean I too fast and get a headrush? Regardless, my adrenaline was pumping. I remember feeling that. Wanting to call my husband to tell him about it, then negotiating in my head that that would be stupid, it can wait…and I think I managed to push those obsessive thoughts out of my head as I drove to work. But the “rush” feeling never subsided. It was a knot in the center of my chest. Like I couldn’t breathe…but I could. Like I was walking the edge of a panic attack, but not.
The evening was better, but I was feeling unusually tired. I think I slept well and only remember checking the time twice during the night. Today, the day was going well. Dog peed on the floor (he apparently has issues when I cook my SOMH breakfast) and no adrenaline rush. About 1 hour into my day at work, for no reason, the knot returned. My lips tingled. My tongue felt too big for my mouth. My ears were ringing.
No big deal I think. I started cyclobenziprine two weeks ago and since it isn’t supposed to be taken with lexapro, I’ll just call and get the ok to stop it. It isn’t helping the restless legs anyway. (Keep in mind I am on very low doses of both.)
Long story short…I’m told to come in. I’m told to stop the cyclobenziprine-it’s not helping anyway. Then, I’m told I’m having an anxiety attack. No, I argue. My anxiety manifests in aches and pains, not tightness in the chest and tingling lips…I’m slowing down…hearing myself say the symptoms out loud. Danielle just smiles. It ok, she says. She’s awesome. We talk. We determine the trigger was probably the routine change now that we have the puppy. Even though I planned for it.
Then the guilt sets in. I wasted her time for something I have dealt with all my life. I left work early. I worried my husband. For…an…anxiety…attack. Why can’t I have anxiety attacks, or depression, like they show on those television commercials. Why do I feel “normal” but not?
Whether it is a bout of depression, anxiety, panic attack, whatever – I find it very hard to deal with the guilt. I’m blessed. So many others out there are suffering. I shouldn’t be depressed…or anxious…or stressed.
Yes, I know it is a chemical imbalance that can’t be controlled (well, I mean, I can’t “tell” it to stop). I know it’s nothing to feel guilty about. But I do. Am I alone with that post-anxiety side effect?