Hello 2018

It’s been a long time since I wrote. No fault of my own however, WordPress keeps crashing. Even if I save a draft, it’s all gone. I debated trying again, but what the hell, here goes.

At the end of 2017, I had started with a psychiatrist and counselor to attempt to learn how to live with this tinnitus. Unfortunately, it was too expensive to continue and I just wasn’t feeling it. I mean what is the point in “learning to live with it”? Is there really an alternative?

I did think I had a breakthrough with the tinnitus though. After seeing an eye specialist earlier this month, he diagnosed me with meibomian gland disorder (scary word for dry eyes) and has no idea why I have that thumbprint-like pressure feeling on my right eye. He suggested maybe sinus. So since the ENT said I’m congested and told me to take nasacort before she dismissed me (yes, I’m still angry about that) and now the eye doctor said I may have sinus issues, I asked the pharmacist for the strongest OTC decongestant. Sudafed. I started it Saturday morning and by Saturday afternoon, the screeching had subsided to a loud whooshing. My hopes soared. I continued with the full doses, but unfortunately the decongestant doesn’t treat anxious people very well and I was up most of Sunday/Monday unable to breathe. My heart was racing and I couldn’t catch my breath. I had to cut back the dose and not take it close to bed. The screeching is back. I see my family doctor in a few days and will ask her if there is something she recommends I can take to test this theory a bit further.

One thing did come from counseling that I found beneficial. My OCD behavior is not weird. I mean it is to some, obviously, but my OCD behaviors are more a way of protecting myself from anxiety. I managed to keep most of my behaviors hidden, but now I’m out and proud. Dishwasher utensils are organized, clothes for the week planned with coordinating scarves before I go to bed Sunday, gym bag packed days in advance, color coordinated everything at work and home calendars, and routines are in full force and I’m defensive of them. The only warning my counselor gave me was that if OCD controls my life and threatens my health (like not eating because I missed that window for “lunch” or not using the restroom, etc.), then I need help for it. I have never been like that although I do understand how hard it must be for some who need that control.

My daughter suggested tracking my days as good or bad since the bad seem so overwhelming. No analyzing the days, just good or bad. Surprisingly, there haven’t been any bad. Sure bad parts…nothing a few choice curse words directed at a rude tractor trailer moron won’t heal…but my days are good. This is very eye opening.

I’m exercising again. My husband got me started at the gym and so far so good. There is a kickboxing-esque class called Strong. I guess it’s owned by Zumba. It’s ok. I still don’t like the Jackie Chan moves as none of my training involved fighting a crowd of ninjas in choreographed style. I also take a dance fitness class. I caught a glimpse of myself in mirror and shuddered. But I managed to work up a sweat and the instructor plays cool music…reggaeton and bhangra.

I’m still struggling with nonstop distractions. My mind never stops. I think the exercising is helping with that a little, but it just seems that constant changes keep me from feeling settled. One of my bosses resigned, and we have 4 new attorneys starting in March. A new paralegal (or two) as well. I just want normalcy for a few weeks but if I were honest with myself I would learn to accept that these constant changes are normal. I have a long way to go.

I’m neither excited for nor dreading 2018. I’m ambivalent. One day at at time.

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