No, this is not a blog about work so not that kind of verdict – although we DID have a verdict and not exactly in our favor, but not my point.
So since my last blog, I did hear from my ENT’s nurse. Your MRI is normal and there is minimal fluid so keep using he Nasacort and if you need us please call. Um….what? Minimal fluid? MY copy of the MRI report said “moderate” not “minimal”. That HAS TO be it. I start to choke up, I say to the nurse “so that’s it, I have to learn to live with the screeching in my head. I can’t live with it.” TINNITUS IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE. Oh, I’m sorry, what was I thinking.
I called Johns Hopkins. They arrange to get me in Thursday (i.e., day before yesterday). I call my ENT and ask for copies of my audiology report and the MRI report (because hers must have said “minimal”). In the most immature fashion possible I play a YouTube video of a balloon squeal on repeat, because, after all, if I have to hear that high pitched squealing nonstop I should share the love.
I’ll save you all the boring details of what transpired between Monday and Thursday but say I have absolute saints for family members, friends and coworkers. I cannot even imagine how irritating it must be for them listening to me whine, cry and all but throw myself down on the ground in a full-on temper tantrum. I assured my husband that if the doctor at Johns Hopkins agreed with my ENT or in any way felt this is not curable, I would be done. No more seeking answers. No more whining.
Well, my husband is in luck. It is NOT my ears. It is my brain. That amazing gray mass in my head. So much potential and it has to spend all of its energy destroying what little sanity I have left. The doctors at Johns Hopkins are truly spectacular in that that they looked you in the eye and explained the situation. I understand what but not why but then I’ve given up being untitled to the why.
The main doctor I spoke to made some suggestions including seeing someone about migraines (which I’ve had all my life) but more importantly he insisted I get back on my antidepressants immediately. This part worries me the most. I’m not suicidal. Not in the slightest. But I’m starting to wonder what is wrong with me that I’m not. He wants me to get under the care of a psychiatrist to work on CBT – sooner rather than later – so like a good patient, I called my primary for a referral (which I already had, but they are scheduling 10 weeks out). As per usual, three days have passed and no call back from my dr. I’ll call the doc at Johns Hopkins for a referral Monday afternoon.
Finally, I get to bombard my brain with similar white noise in an effort to stop hearing the noise that is constant and will never end. I’m still wrapping my head around that one. I’m generally just numb and quite gun-shy (rather terrified) of what my brain is going to do next.